A Different Kind of Lonely

Lately I have been struggling with a new kind of loneliness.  That is the best description Luke and I can come up with as we have both experienced it.  I have struggled with loneliness previously, but it was much different than what I am experiencing in this season.

It's a different kind of lonely because we aren't "alone."  We have made new friends and are spending time with lots of different people, but the depth to those relationships hasn't had time to develop. I have this underlying feeling that most of the people we are spending time with really don't know us yet.  They don't understand who we are, where we came from, or why we are here.

The other side of this different kind of lonely, is that we don't really know all of our new friends very well either.  We don't fully understand who they are, where they come from or why they are here. We just haven't had time to develop this depth of a friendship.

When I find myself dwelling on this (which honestly has been too often the past few weeks) I have to bring myself back to reality.  The reality is we have only been in Tucson for 5 months. Friendships take time and we have to invest in people's lives for them to know who we are and for us to learn who they are.

I have read (and re-read) "The Church Planting Wife" by Christine Hoover, particularly the chapter on the "Connected Heart" which talks in depth about relationships, particularly....loneliness and "heart friends."  I have moved from a season where I had many "heart friends" to a season where I am starting all over.  In the short time I have had in Tucson, I have only found a few women who are opening up and interested in spending time together to get to know each other in a more connected way.  When I really think about these women, I realize how amazing God is, as God is providing a way out of this lonely season in His time.  He is also reminding me daily that He is what I need above all other relationships.

One of the passages I am memorizing is Philippians 2:3-5
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." (NASB)

I am remembering this verse as I ask God to keep me from focusing on my own loneliness, but rather focus on those around me, who they are, and what they need.  I want to be a blessing to those around me in whatever way God can use that.

So all of this to say, please pray for us!

• Pray that we will see the relationships we do have and not dwell on the depth of relationships we have yet to experience in Tucson. 
•  Pray that we will grieve this life change in our relationships gracefully and not become consumed by the loneliness.  
• Pray that we will be open and willing to devote the time when God does provide those new friends who are ready for deeper relationships.

Where is "Home"

This is something I've been thinking about more lately. 

Today I went on a walk with a girl who was born and raised in Tucson. As we were talking, I was telling her where I grew up and the other places I had lived.  As we talked, I realized that I don't really identify any of those places I have lived as "home." Home for me is in Tucson. A year ago home for me was in Yakima. As a child home was in Buckley. I don't fully understand why God has given me this perspective in life, but I am convinced there is eternal purpose when I fully live out this perspective that home is wherever God has placed me.  

I used to long for home.  Shortly after Luke and I got married and moved away from our childhood homes, I often would cry out of a genuine longing to get back home.....soon.  For at least the first two years of marriage living away from home, I was sure we would move back home as soon as I graduated from college.  I was homesick! About 4 years into marriage, and 1 year into ministry I had a unique God moment during one of these homesick episodes.  I audibly heard God say, "I have you right where you are supposed to be." Ever since that encounter with the living God, I have not dwelled on living anywhere but where I am.  He removed that from me as it was a burden I could no longer bear on my own.  It is the only time I have heard God audibly speak, and I recently realized that He had more planned than us.  He was preparing me way in advance for moving away from Yakima, the place we called home for 12 years.

When I speak with others who identify with a past home, they talk about when they will be able to move back home or when they we be able to visit back home.  I realize not everyone shares my perspective, but when I talk about our upcoming trip to Washington, I find myself not saying I'm going back home but simply saying we are going to visit friends and family. We are blessed to have friends and family in many places that we have called home in the past.

When I allowed God to show me that our home is wherever He has placed us, and truly embraced that, I believe God gave me the ability to live more fully in the present.  And through living in the present, God also gave me a unique perspective of the future.  There is a reason God told Lot's wife not to look back!  We weren't made to live in the past!

I don't know where others call home, or where they long to be, but I know for me God has placed our family in Tucson. This is my home. My home in a desert.  And I hope it will be my home for many years to come.   However, I also find great comfort and encouragement in knowing earth is not my permanent home but my temporary home. For each of us will one day find ourselves no longer in this world, no longer in the place we call home.  I want to remind myself and all of you to always fully engage in your present place. To fully involve ourselves in the cities that we call home. To do everything God has called us to do in our places, because we never know when God will call us to our eternal home.

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." Hebrew 13:14 NLT

Life with Legos

My family is all about legos lately.  Our kids are constantly building lego creations and their bedroom floors are covered with legos.  And then we have Luke, who for years has talked about legos and how so many parts of our lives can be related to legos......And I can't forget Bandit, the cat, who is playing with legos a lot these days.  He finds them in the kids rooms and brings them out to play with on the tile floors where they move fast!

Legos have been on my mind this week as I have tried to make sense of where I am at.  Currently, I am thinking of my life in two specific areas, my relationships and my time. Each of these parts of my life are represented by a lego with multiple pegs available for a connection. I spent the last 10 years of my life with very full legos.  My time lego was full of time spent with family, time in ministry, time at work, and time spent on hobbies.  My relationship lego was full with relationships with my family, my friends, my co-workers, the families and kids I worked with, and so many more people!  Life was full, at times overwhelming, but meaningful and purposeful.

Today, the harsh reality is that my legos are far from full.  I have a lot of time and a lot of empty space ready for relationships.  With all this spare time, I have been doing a lot of thinking on how I am going to fill these legos!  It is actually a very difficult place to be, but I know God has a purpose with every phase of our lives.

First, my relationship lego.  Filling my relationship lego is proving harder than I thought.  I know relationships take time, but I think I forgot exactly how long it can take for someone to really "connect" and commit to a friendship.  There have been a few people here in Tucson who have opened up and are giving our family and myself space on their lego and for them I am extremely grateful.  For the rest of the empty pegs, I will wait on God to guide me to more people who are ready for relationships and friendship.

With my time lego, I am really seeking God for direction.  At just the right time, I started reading a great book "DeClutter Now" by Lindon & Sherry Gareis.  My life has already been decluttered by my circumstances and the life change with our move to Tucson.  Now it is up to me to be intentional about what activities or ministry I choose to fill my time with and which relationships I pursue and develop.  I am daily seeking wisdom on what I should be doing with my time.

I have a question for anyone that is reading, a question I will be asking myself for years to come.  Do you have space on your legos?  Are you overwhelmed with a time lego that is completely filled or maybe overfilled where you can't add anything else?  Is your relationship lego full?  Or do you have space to give someone time and friendship?  This is something that I am really contemplating during this season of life.  We need to keep open space in our schedule and our relational capacity to reach out to those who need us.  We never know when God is going to send us that new opportunity or relationship.

I ask these questions because in the last few weeks I have reached out to a few people, some neighbors and some others in ministry, who have not had time or the ability to respond and actually begin a relationship.  I am hoping with patience on my part, they will respond to my reaching out, but I understand if they don't.  I think it is so easy for each of us to become completely wrapped up in our busy schedules and current relationships that we don't make room in our lives for new opportunities or new relationships.

"If we leave some empty space, both physically and in our hearts and heads, we allow God room to work within our lives and grow us." - From DeClutter Now





I have a lot more thoughts on legos.  One thing I know is that my kids have a much easier time building something amazing, like this beautiful house, when they follow the written and picture directions.  In life, we have detailed instructions from God's word and we can follow the examples of others that have gone before us.  I am constantly looking for people in my life who have learned to build their lives in a positive, healthy and balanced way in regards to the way they spend their time and the relationships they pursue, so I can follow their lead.

Also it takes practice.  My son builds cars and houses repeatedly, always trying new designs with different pieces.  He spent a long time working on building a picture frame and was finally successful!  Same will work for us as we build our life time and relationship legos, we don't always get the results we want on the first try.  There will be times where we need to evaluate our time and relationships and do some decluttering or rearranging, to make room for the right pieces so we can become all that God created us to be and accomplish all the work he has in store for us!









Tonight, I spent some time building legos with Brock.  It was very educational as he showed me how he can make a fully furnished house for his Lego men.  He was putting pieces together in ways I didn't even know they could be used!



So, if you have never thought about your life and legos, I hope you do now.  It really is a great analogy.  On that note, I will give Luke the credit for giving me this lego analogy long ago.  He has used this many times and I'm sure will use it again.  Maybe he will have a blog someday that better explains life & legos, time & relationships.

Unexpected hesitation

For the last 4 months I have been eagerly telling everyone about our move to Tucson to plant a church.  It flowed out of my mouth without hesitation.  I did not expect what would happen when someone from Tucson asked me why we moved here.

The question came within the first day of our move.  "What brought you to Tucson?"  I found myself at a loss for words....I wanted to tell them all about Jesus, God's provision in bringing us to Tucson and wanted to tell them about our plans to plant a church, but I was hesitant....Why was I hesitant after all this time of being bold and ready to answer to anyone that asked?  My answer to the first person was lengthy about how we came to Tucson 5 years ago on a vacation, fell in love with the area and knew we would come back here someday, and that this year we had decided to move here to start a church.  It was a true answer, but it bothered me that I wasn't more confident and bold in my response.  That I didn't share more about how God lead us to Tucson and how we are here to be used by God in Tucson.  As I have thought about this, I think I had fear of coming off too strong or being seen as a fool as an outsider who is coming to start a church.

After a few days here, I scripted myself an answer so that I wouldn't be so hesitant or long worded.  I started telling people "My husband is a pastor of a new church in Tucson."  Short and simple....probably too short and simple.  After saying this to a few people and talking more with Luke about this unexpected hesitation I was having, I began to hear Jesus loud and clear through Luke, different scriptures I was reading and through the sermon at Second Mile this last Sunday.

I have been reading 1 Corinthians.  God is speaking to me that it is very possible I will be seen as a fool, but that it is my calling to plant the message of Jesus' in the hearts of the people that I am meeting here in Tucson.  When I speak to others now, I am praying that God will give me the words to say that will speak to them.  I don't need a scripted answer to seek the approval of men, but I need to allow God to speak through me however he will.  (Read 1 Corinthians chapters 1-3 to be challenged yourself!)

During the gathering at Second Mile this last Sunday, we were challenged to share our faith. This idea that we need to bring Jesus into the beginning of our conversations with people, because we set the pace for our conversations in the beginning of a relationship.  What a challenge for me as I am starting so many new relationships which means I have so many opportunities to start with Jesus!

I am very thankful for the last 2 weeks and facing this unexpected hesitation.  It is helping me to really search for the answers to who I am, what I am called to be or do, and what I am here to say. Right now I am just praying that I will have opportunities and when facing those opportunities I will be bold and trust Jesus for the words I need.  I have a story to tell and I do not need to be afraid to tell it.

It is just like Jesus, to take us out of our comfort zones and put us in new situations that will challenge us and for that I am truly grateful!  

"For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.  I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power."  1 Corinthians 2:2-5 NIV

Living in the Present

Today is the first day of our new "normal" with the kids now back to school.  I'm in a new place in life where I am not working.  I keep hearing God telling me "Be Still."  I have spent so much of my life DOING instead of BEING. God is giving me a chance to be.  I hope to take time to read His word, listen to His voice, and learn what He has in store for us.  I hope to take time to get to know Tucson, our community and lots of new people.  I will stay busy I'm sure!  I'm excited to be available to help Luke with whatever he needs and looking forward to being free to be with the kids after school and of course get some long runs in during daylight hours before the heat of the day!

This last weekend we were able to attend the gathering at Second Mile.  I am excited to get involved with a body of believers as we adjust to Tucson.  I am also blessed to have an invitation to lunch this week from a new friend!  God is good!  I am looking forward to seeing how He puts together the friendships we so desire in Tucson.

This week I am reminded how quick time goes and how we need to be fruitful with the time we are given.  I am hopeful that I will take this time without a "job" to be fruitful in all things.  This may only last a season and I don't want to waste the time God has given me.  If there is anything I am learning thus far in my journey, it is to live for today.  The past is the past and the future is unknown. It is truly freeing to live for today!

"Show me, Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. You have made my days a mear handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you.  Everyone is but a breath, even those who seem secure."  Psalm 39:4-5 NIV